The vessel is the hardest thing

The pursuit of the best ballpark food has exploded into the most delicious arms race in decades (much more delicious than the Cuban missile crisis). Loyal Scaiaholics will recall I head to the Rangers' ballpark each year to monitor their progress at the beginning of the Major League season.

Other teams are getting into a match of one-upmanship. A lot of my family is from New England, so at a Red Sox game, a relative would often say (while pouring a cup of beer on Mariano Rivera as he warmed up in the bullpen, of course), "I just wish we had some poutine!"

Kudos to the Red Sox, though for this clear nod to the 1994 World Series champion Montreal Expos by adding a lobster (or "lobstah," if you will) variant of a popular Quebec dish to their concessions stands.

Growing up in Ohio, my hometown team was the Cincinnati Reds. They're embracing the city's German heritage with goetta.

"Man, this game's really great. You know the only thing that could make it better?" my associates and I would say (for the purposes of this conversation) when we went to games back in high school. "Some German breakfast sausage!"

But back to Arlington, Delaware north has outlined its new menu. Each year, I write about how they'll never find another hilariously oversized dish. Each year, Delaware North shows how I'm a fool.

This year, they've introduced nachos you can wear in sombrero form, the 9th Inning Rally Sombrero: A Texas‑sized, nine‑layer dip served inside a 26‑inch fried tortilla shell, filled with refried beans, cheddar cheese, sour cream, guacamole, pico de gallo, black olives, jalapeños and shredded lettuce, served with tortilla chips.

Available at the Texas 24” Stand (Section 32)

In the podcast, you can hear the chef from Delaware North explaining how they started workingshopping the nacho sombrero a year ago, but they needed time to work out the logistics. Innovation is still alive and well in the 21st century, and it's coming in nacho form.

Another chef walked around the ballpark for a bit to model the nacho sombrero's utility, explaining, "I don't recommend wearing it, but we know Rangers fans know how to have fun."

This might seem less creative as a piece of clothing, but the High Steaks Nacho is creative in another area: wordplay.

High Steaks Nachos: Crispy tortilla chips topped with white queso, chopped Nolan Ryan Beef tenderloin, pico de gallo, salsa and sour cream.

Available at High Steaks (Section 106)

You can see the complete list of new items here. I don't mean to rush through it, but we have another important issue to discuss: Delaware North has revolutionized how we drink out of boots.

You can now get your favorite drink served in a Texas Rangers cowboy boot.

I became concerned.

"Wasn't there a movie where they had to figure out the science behind not getting a bubble in the boot?" I really did ask.

Greg Maass, the general manager for Delaware North at the ballpark, really did have to say, "Beerfest. You're thinking of Beerfest."

He says they worked on the boot a long time.

"The vessel is the hardest thing," he says. They partnered with Justin Boots, and he says, "This is a true souvenir."

The mold was actually two pieces, and to prevent the bubble, the toe is actually solid, the drink cavity doesn't go into the toe.

This year also marks 30 years since the Rangers' first playoff appearance. John Burkett and Rusty Greer signed a giant baseball, and the Rangers have a bunch of material from the 1996 season in display on the Southeast Concourse.

Greer is now a high school baseball coach in Fort Worth. He says it doesn't seem like it was 30 years ago to him, but "my players have to Google me. That's kind of where we are. That's how old we are."

I'm younger than Rusty Greer, but I feel like he sums up my experience as a millennial who is noticing I've gone from being the future of America to being the present of America.

The Cincinnati Reds are in town for the Rangers' opening series this weekend, surely a preview of the 2026 World Series. No matter whether you're a Rangers fan or Reds fan, we can all head to Globe Life Field and drown our sorrows about getting older with a bootful of beer and sombrero-ful of nachos.